


To hold it close to your heart when it’s not yours

by sarahcakes613



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Feelings Realization, Guardian Angels, Other, in a VERY literal sense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:28:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24780841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarahcakes613/pseuds/sarahcakes613
Summary: Sonny's first mission as a guardian angel is to bring comfort to a man who's grandmother has just died.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 22
Collections: Barisi Pride 2020





	To hold it close to your heart when it’s not yours

**Author's Note:**

> This VERY LOOSELY covers Side A: White and Side B: Love at First Sight for the June challenge.
> 
> Massive thank yous go to [Sandra](https://twitter.com/sandra_facc) for the Spanish translations (see end notes for English) and to [Sierra](https://twitter.com/BreatheMusicIn) for allowing me to yoink a line from her BEAUTIFUL poem "on ghosts and grief" for my title.
> 
> This was largely inspired by watching the heartbreaking monologue "Frijoles" written by Matt Barbot and acted out by Raúl Esparza.

Sonny’s young, for a guardian angel, and he’s been in training for most of his life. His training wings are finally off and he’s on his first mission to Earth. His sisters have all warned him not to get too close, shouting over each other with stories of the pain humans can cause.

It’s meant to be a straightforward visitation, a man in need of Sonny’s comforting presence in a moment of questioning. His grandmother is gone and he feels responsible and it is Sonny’s job to take away that guilt, leaving nothing behind but fond memories.

Sonny is nervous, or as nervous as he can be without any point of reference for what nerves feel like. He wants to do a good job. He wants to impress his superiors, to feel like he fits in with his assigned troop, but most importantly, he wants to leave Earth knowing that he’s made someone’s life just a little easier.

Sonny focuses his intent, manifesting himself solidly next to the other man. His assignment doesn’t see him, but to a passerby, it will look like there are two men standing side by side, heads bowed in prayer.

Sonny knows Rafael Barba inside and out, knows his thoughts and his feelings like he wrote them himself, but none of that means anything when he is faced with the man himself, broken and worn down in front of a rack of votive candles.

Rafael’s hands tremble as he reaches for the box of matches, they shake as he tries to strike one into a flame. It catches, a weak wavering thing.

Sonny takes in a deep breath and lets it out slowly. As he exhales, he lets his wings unfold from their liminal space and sweep out over his shoulders, white froth and clouds. They act as a windcover, and the flame of the match stops flickering long enough for Rafael to light a candle.

_"Mira, abuelita, ¡me trajiste de vuelta a la iglesia! Yo - yo siento mucho que este sea el motivo por el cuál vine. Perdóname por haberte presionado, creía que estaba haciendo lo correcto pero... sólo lo arruiné todo. Y ahora ya no estás aquí para arreglarlo."_

Sonny watches Rafael’s face, watches the gamut of emotions playing over it. A smile that twists, a minute clenching of muscles around the eyes as he tries to hold back tears.

And that’s when Sonny feels it. A painful beat drumming in his own body, or what would be his body if he existed within the human concept of space and time. He feels an overwhelming urge to take the smaller man in his arms, to hold him and comfort him and whisper in his ear. He is unable to do any of those things but Father above, he _wants_ to.

Sonny’s never wanted something before.

He hears his sisters, hears their warnings ringing in his ears. Humans only create pain, they don’t know how to exist without emotion, we’re better off staying up here and watching silently. They hadn’t understood why he wanted to go Earthside, and neither had he, except that he thought it was where he was meant to be, and now he understands.

This is his first test as a guardian, and he is determined not to let Rafael down. He focuses his intent, working it until it is a mass of energy, and he pushes it into Rafael. The other man tilts his head, his eyes closed.

“ _Abuelita? ¿Eres tú?”_

His jaw is clenched as he listens to the deafening silence. As Sonny’s love emanates, his spread wings arch up, up, creating a canopy over them both. He can see the moment his energy reaches Rafael’s heart, the moment his jaw softens and he lets go of his guilt, basking in whatever interpretation he is choosing to make of Sonny’s energy.

Rafael’s eyes well with tears and he casts his eyes skyward in an effort to stem the flow, but they spill over, running down his face. Sonny can smell the release of emotion in the tears, the guilt and the frustration and the overwhelming sadness and love.

Sonny’s heartspace aches for him, and he didn’t know this was what hearts were for, didn’t know how many varied emotions humans held contained in one small organ.

He hates it.

**Author's Note:**

> Y'all, I am SORRY. I promise to be back to my loving porn in the next story.
> 
> English of what Rafael says as he is lighting the candle:  
> Look, abuelita, you finally got me back into a church! I’m – I’m so sorry this is what it took. I’m sorry I pressured you, I thought I was doing what was best but…I just messed things up. And now you’re not here to clean up after me.


End file.
